Uptown Pilgrim

musings. . . not a pity party

2006-12-03T22:09:00.000-06:00

I wonder if, by still being single at age 37, God is letting me know that I should just get used to it. Maybe he’s telling me, “Get a dog (NOT CATS) and grab your afghan (knit one if you can), and settle in.” I’m trying to accept that this really might be God’s reality for me. Maybe I’m just not cut out for marriage and God keeps trying to tell me that. Maybe He figures that if I have enough failures I’ll give up. Now, I don’t think it’s because I’m a bad person. I have lots of friends. I’m a hell of an aunt. Kids love me, and I love them. But I really wonder if God has some other purpose for me than marriage and motherhood. I wonder if He wants me to move to Africa. Or just stay a devoted teacher to my suburban kids. You know, no distractions.

So in light of this tentative epiphany (if there is such a thing) I am trying to do what I’ve heard other people talk about, and that is to make Jesus my lover. It always sounds weird to say that, or think about it, because it has such an awkward connotation. But I want to love Jesus more. I want to make Him my hope, the person I want to please every day. I want to not be bitter about the possibility that I’m not meant to be married. I want to be excited about making Jesus the center of my life. I know he’s already supposed to be, but I’m not always good about that.

For example, one of the things I always struggle with after a really good night of worship is how to keep the same feeling until the following week. And not just to feel good, but how do I stay focused on Christ while at work, in my car, in the mall, at the coffee shop, etc? So I wonder. . .If I wore a ring (like nuns do) that reminded me of the one true love in my life, would that help?

I’m not feeling badly for myself. Not yet any way. I know I’m not alone in wondering about this. But as 40 is not far off, and as I’ve had more than my share of mismatches, mismanaged relationships (that’s an understatement), and mistakes, it may be time to see this singledom as a very strong possibility. I’m really thinking about getting that Jesus ring. Thank God Jane Austen isn’t telling my story. I’d have that cat and the afghan, glasses, a bun, and young friends stopping by for tea out of charity. Ugh.

Miscellaneous

2006-09-10T23:30:00.000-05:00

It's late. Tomorrow is a very long day, but I'm just getting home from church and I need to unload a few thoughts before I can sleep.

Thinking still about Africa. I keep seeing my friends who live in Zambia. Of course I haven't actually seen them, but I think I see them every once in a while, mostly at church. Maybe that's God's way of keeping us connected. I certainly think about them a lot, so I'm thankful that I have these brief glimpses of them.

I'm also still consumed by the desire to be physically connected to Africa. I don't know what it will look like, nor do I know if it will happen. I need to pray that God will shed some light on my desire-- to make sure that it's about what he wants, and not just a selfish need to have some kind of adventure. I have been sensing my restlessness lately, and have been looking at teaching overseas. Not seriously looking, but checking out one-year teaching exchanges and just generally imagining a new setting for my life. So I want to be able to distinguish all these desires from one another, and have some clarity.

That's all for now.

Bursting

2006-07-16T20:18:00.000-05:00

My heart feels like it’s going to burst. And if it did burst, I don’t know what would come out. My life, my friends’ lives, the situation in the world. . . it’s all messing with me.

Part of me hopes it’s just PMS because then I know this wave of emotion will pass. But part of me hopes it doesn’t, because most people aren’t lucky enough to just wait for emotions to subside.

My friends and members of my church are going to El Salvador, Africa, and Philadelphia to serve and love people. They will come face to face with their sponsor kids, face to face with people suffering hardships I can’t imagine. Why is that a gift? I don’t know, but it is. Now I’ve got myself wondering. . . why is it a gift to be witness to poverty and war and crime? Is it a gift? Truly, I want to know what you think.

I do feel it’s a gift but I don’t know if I can put into words why it feels that way. Is it because it makes us feel like true members of the human race? Is it because it minimizes our own suffering? Is it because we get to see joy where we least expect to find it?

There’s just too much to say tonight, especially after praying for friends traveling abroad, praying for the filmmaker of Invisible Children, and praying for peace in the Middle East and in Africa. But in spite of, or more likely because of all the aches in my heart, I need to write. I feel like big things are happening around me. I guess I should be glad I feel something as these things happen.

The worst night of sleep I’ve ever had.

2006-03-06T11:03:00.000-06:00

Last night I think I woke up every 20 minutes, especially between 2am and 4:30am. I felt like absolute crap this morning.

My dad called me yesterday afternoon to tell me his younger brother died. This is the second brother he has lost in 6 months. Fortunately, both of them died in their sleep. But now he is the last surviving member of his immediate family. He lost another brother over 25 years ago. Both his parents died before reaching 75. My dad is 68. I’m afraid of losing him. The thing that makes all of us angry about losing Carroll is that he suffered 2 heart attacks in the last 10-15 years or so, and his wife has continued to chain smoke inside the house and inside the car all this time.

But I don’t think it’s just my uncle’s death that made me sleep so poorly last night. I think it came from my anger with one of my own brothers. My dad had asked my oldest brother, Erik, to call my younger brother, Matt, to tell him about our uncle’s death. Six hours later, Erik made the call. Six hours. Matt was furious. So now we’re all wondering why in the hell Erik waited so long to call his own brother to give him such important news. What would cause such a delay? Apathy? The need to process to sadness himself (although it’s not like we saw this uncle very often)? Is he trying to piss off the family? I truly do not understand his thinking.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Erik is notorious for not returning Matt’s phone calls. They both live in the same city, thousands of miles away from the rest of our family. I don’t understand why he doesn’t stay more connected. Is it intentional or does he just not think about it?

Now the question is how to move past (or through) the anger to get to the grieving. And to get to forgiveness. I need to focus on what is truly important, and that is in supporting my dad, my aunt, and my cousins. I need to take a lesson from Jesus on this one. What does He say about how to show Grace when you’re just really pissed off?

Midnight Moon

2006-02-19T00:49:00.000-06:00

I see you sighing
Winter moon, heavy with light
Holding close to Earth

2006-02-07T20:44:00.000-06:00

I needed something to write about. My friend had this list, and it sounded like a cool and relatively easy form of inspiration. So here goes. . .

My list of Four Things.

Four Places I’ve lived
(From least to most recent)
1. Oiwake, Japan
2. my parents’ basement
3. Uptown, Minneapolis
4. my new little house in Bloomington

Four Places I’d Rather Be
1. Siena, Italy—right on the town square having a cappuccino
2. on a beach with a magazine
3. at a nice restaurant with friends
4. on a date with someone I’m crazy about (or the hottie from Dear Frankie)

Four Jobs I’ve had
1. Conversational English teacher for Japanese students
2. salad bar girl at Wendy’s Hamburgers
3. waitress (a bad one) at a poorly run Italian restaurant in Bloomington
4. secretary at a car dealership

Four Movies I can watch over and over
1. Pride and Prejudice (BBC version with Colin Firth)
2. The Sound of Music (I know. . . )
3. The 15-minute Hamlet
4. Sixteen Candles

Four TV Shows I Love
1. Lost
2. Grey’s Anatomy
3. ER
4. CBS News Sunday

Four Places I’ve Vacationed
1. Italy
2. Scotland
3. Canadian Rockies
4. Hawaii

Four of My Favorite Dishes
1. my mom’s lasagna
2. my mom’s beef stroganoff
3. Sawatdee’s pad see yew with tofu (pad thai with broccoli)
4. a really yummy grilled burger with all the fixins

Four Sites I visit daily
My friends’ blogs. Am I supposed to list them here?
1. http://blog.blogneato.com/
2. http://urperipheral.blogspot.com/
3. http://www.swan-spot.blogspot.com/
4. http://www.nototherwise.com/

First entry of the year

2006-01-04T10:55:00.000-06:00

Although my head is filled with many things these days, here's the only thing that really seems interesting enough to pass on to cyberspace:

My 64 year-old mother e-mailed me yesterday. Here's what she said:

"Don't get bummed out, but I looked at the website match.com to see how it's set up. I'd heard about it and I know you don't have a lot of time. Anyway, you can "join" for 1, 2 or 3 months - but you can put in your particulars and check out who comes up. If anyone looks interesting you can join. Anyway, it doesn't look to complicated so might be worth it if you're interested."

Huh.

2nd post today

2005-12-03T23:00:00.000-06:00

It's nice to have a little time today to blog. I've got all these thoughts in my brain that have been just waiting to be given some attention. It kind of reminds me of the little blinking cursor that just patiently waits for me to write something. It's perfectly content to sit and blink all day; but when I see that thing blink and blink and blink, it puts pressure on me to make it move. It's a great motivator, actually. But I digress. . .

I hope those last thoughts on my earlier blog about wanting a man to share my little Christmas tree with don't make me sound like an ingrate. As I was driving home from Menards (my new favorite store) with my new $1.25 lighted tree-topper in the shape of a star, I thought, "I love doing this stuff by myself." And it's actually true. I love being independent. I love having my own agenda, my own timeline. Just wanted to clarify that.

The following is the true, uncensored version of an entry I wrote in my old school paper journal on my 36th birthday (2 weeks ago now). Like my entry earlier today, it's a list. I don't know what it says about me that my last 3 blogs have been list-like. . .

I want to. . .

make a difference in a child's life in my community
maintain my passion to make that difference
become somebody's wife
be faithful to God
feel worthy of His love and Grace
be a more consistent, reliable friend
feel more confident in my ability to manage my finances
pray more
become more politically involved in social justice issues
be more organized

That's all I came up with that day. I know there's more that I want to be and do, but those seem to be the biggies.

I love today

2005-12-03T14:04:00.000-06:00

Today has been lovely already, and it's only 2pm. Here's what has happened so far:

woke up feeling good
had breakfast at Maria's cafe with some people for whom I have great respect
had a few scrumptious bites of a corn pancake. . .YUMMY!
went to get my FREE, REAL Christmas tree at my realtor's office
saw lots of cute kids (and some handsome dads) also at the realtor's office for a big holiday open house, complete with cookies, popcorn, cider, face-painting, Santa, etc.
my dear friends--who have the same realtor as me-- were at the open house, too
my dear friends' kids, my surrogate niece and nephew, were also there. I LOVE Josh and Sophia.
held Sophia for about 2 minutes and sang "Jingle Bells" while bouncing/dancing with her in my arms
picked out a cute little Christmas tree (again, FREE!) for my new little house
drove home in the lovely snow and saw other people with Christmas trees on their cars
put up cute little Christmas tree all by myself
am waiting for the tree to stretch itself out so I can put my pretty, new ornaments and lights on
am watching the snow continue to fall (only drawback here is that at some point I have to get my butt off my couch to shovel)
am listening to Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker, my favorite Christmas music

So you see, I love today. My one wish is that I'd have someone with whom I could share all this loveliness. A nice guy to help me hang the lights, or at least sit and watch while I decorate. Someone I could sit on the couch with and look at the tree and talk to, or even just be silent with.

Ah, that would be nice. Then it would really be fabulous.

This week I learned. . .

2005-10-27T22:06:00.000-05:00

1. what a sewage cleanout should look like
2. what a sewage cleanout should NOT look like
3. sawing through drywall and metal pipes leaves a big mess
4. raking leaves is not a one-person job
5. teenagers can be incredibly mature
6. I seem to handle stress well. Or else I bury it so well I don't even know it.

I hate spam

2005-10-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

Sorry folks but if you want to leave a comment, from now on you'll have to do this word verification deal. Tired of the stupid spammers.

Happy Day. :-)

technology brings us together???

2005-10-15T21:49:00.000-05:00

There is something ironic about these blogs: I learn more about what my friends are excited about or struggling with because I read their blogs. Shouldn't I be talking to them more? Are we becoming reliant on technology to become the method of disclosure and intimacy? To be sure, I love the freedom of the nearly-anonymous disclosure of these things. But then I find myself looking back to see if anybody has commented on my blog. I'm looking for feedback. Why don't I just talk to people face to face? It is like a journal, so the simple act of disclosure is comforting, but don't we all want someone to read us or hear us and to actually say, "I'm listening"? I want to be known. And for me that involves reciprocation. It's a strange method of release and communication. I just find it ironic that I'm learning about my friends' lives on a medium to which millions of people--strangers--have access.

Helpless, useless

2005-10-11T22:14:00.000-05:00

I admit it. I'm a quitter. I'm going to quit doing Teen Group after Christmas. I haven't told the people I volunteer with -- I don't want it to feel like a knee-jerk reaction to what happened last week.

Last weekend there was apparently a "Rodney King-style riot," in the words of one of the young men who was present. The riot took place on the church grounds where I volunteer, and it involved not only several of the girls who attend teen group, but it eventually drew neighbors out of their homes. Some of them had weapons -- bats, etc. Some of these adults were women--mothers--and they hit the kids with these weapons. Mothers were hitting children in the street and on the church property. Of course the kids fought back.

So last Monday we met with the kids briefly to tell them this shit does not fly if you're a member of teen group. You have choices to make about how to handle conflict (this conflict was between 2 girls over one boy). If you make choices that involve hurting other people, you're not welcome at teen group.

Well, after our brief discussion (the adults wanted to connect how to respond to this) we walked the kids out of the church where there were kids waiting to jump the other kids who'd been inside with us. Again, parents came out of their houses. Luckily, it was just some nasty shoving and yelling, and people gradually dispersed after the cops showed up and just sat in the street.

But this isn't going to end after one night. This kind of anger festers.

So now comes my own garbage. . . I don't want to abandon these kids when things get difficult. But I am not cut out for this. This on top of my long-running desire to have a break from teen group and get more connected with the Upper Room. I know I'll feel relieved when I'm done, but I have a heightened awareness of teen group's need for committed adults. Am I not one of them?

It begs the question, if I don't act as a stable adult for these kids (stable - ha!), who will? What other person is going to step in to help?

no title today

2005-09-29T22:57:00.000-05:00

Been a long busy time since I last wrote. Anything. I'm tired, premenstrual. Not a great combo. Feeling a little bit disconnected from the things and people I love most because school is a little too consuming right now. And yet life is really pretty good. Fortunately, I know some of my busy-ness will subside after this weekend.

I don't really know what I want to write about tonight. I only know I want to write. I think I'm looking forward to too many things right now. Looking forward to Homecoming week being over (although it'll be replaced with something else here or there at school). Looking forward to having my room in one piece. Looking forward to getting a chair so I don't have to sit on the floor to watch TV. Looking forward to starting the meal groups at the Upper Room. Looking forward to being done with Teen Group. (I will stop working with Teen Group at Christmas -- right about when I assume the meal groups will start up.)

I think I have so many things that I'm looking forward to that I may not be really appreciating where I'm at today. Not appreciating the fact that I'm living in a little bit of chaos in my very own house. Not appreciating that I am painting my very own bedroom. That I have a lawn I need to take care of.

I think I'm a little frustrated that I don't have time to do these things for long periods of time. And yet who does have time? Lately, I've been trying to remind myself that everyone else has a crazy schedule. I think I like to make myself out to be a time martyr. I just wish I had more time to spend with God. And that is completely my own fault. I should turn off the idiot box and open my Bible. I don't have very good self discipline.

This is probably the most random blog I've ever written. Frankly, I'm too tired to make it coherent. I just needed to write a little bit. And so there it is. . .

re-reading

2005-08-30T22:14:00.000-05:00

Just looking over my August 8 and July 25 entries. I am clearly conflicted about service. Am I listening to myself? Grrrr. Am I a quitter?

struggling

2005-08-30T22:08:00.000-05:00

I am having a hard time figuring out what kind of service God wants me to do. I feel like I’m looking for a way out of a commitment. But I don’t know if I’m just being selfish and making up excuses (trying to interpret events or my feelings as signals God wants me to notice), or if God is actually leading me away from one service.

Volunteering with Teen Group (an informal, unstructured group in Minneapolis) for the past 3 years has been frequently frustrating for many reasons. Some of the kids can be hard to connect with. That’s not something I dislike them for, it’s a method of survival for many of them. Many people don’t stick around in their lives—physically, emotionally, geographically, etc. So they’re on their guard. And sometimes some of the kids are just plain obnoxious and rude. Some of the kids I just can’t stand. I know they’re beloved children of God (I often remind myself of that fact when I’m irritated), but some of the kids I’d just as soon didn’t show up every Monday night. My frustration—and consequently my longing for a break—is compounded when I have a long or particularly rough day of teaching teenagers. I sometimes don’t want to be around teenagers.

On the other hand, there are a few kids I have become close to. I feel I owe something to these kids. I worry they’d feel neglected if I stopped coming. I care about them. I want them to know I care about them. And so I keep showing up.

But I don’t feel like I’m being fed. I don’t often feel like I’m appreciated, by the kids or by the guy leading the group. Sometimes I feel like a taxi. A lady who’ll serve up food and drive you home. It takes place at a church but there is nothing spiritual about it, except that we say a prayer before we eat. But I know this isn’t about me; this is about Jesus. I’m His hands and feet. He would stick with it, I bet.

All of this gets even more complicated by my upcoming leadership at my own church. I’m incredibly excited to lead a small group starting in January. That’ll happen 2-3 times a month. I feel I’ve been so blessed by the Upper Room. I feel honored and excited that I can be part of a new movement to build a more intimate community. I’m so fired up for how it might feed me in addition to feeding others.

I don’t want to do both. There. I said it. I want to drop teen group once the small group begins. But I’m feeling incredibly guilty. Does that mean I shouldn’t drop it? I just blogged last month about being recommitted to Teen Group.

I just don’t know how I would be able to manage both. (I can already tell this school year is going to be nuts.) I think part of the guilt comes from knowing that I want out before I’ve verbalized it to my co-volunteers. I need to process this, which is why it’s the subject of perhaps my longest blog.

I know what I want to do, but I just don’t know what God wants me to do.

Living in Faith vs. Having a Faith

2005-08-08T16:29:00.000-05:00

The last two weeks at church, we’ve had two speakers who’ve challenged me, inspired me, and brought about important conversations.

Shane Claiborne, a young man living amongst the homeless in Philadelphia, and Efrem Smith, pastor of the Sanctuary Covenant Church in North Minneapolis, gave different sermons, but to me they bring the same challenge to Christians: what are you doing to live out the life Jesus has called you to live? How are you loving people? How are you reconciling people to God? How are you showing a Jesus-like love to others? (I won’t detail both sermons but you can listen to them free via the Upper Room web site.)

Both men challenged us to do more than just sit in church, pray, and love the Lord. Those are places to start, to be sure, but it’s not enough.

After the service last night I talked with a friend of mine who brought in a dose of reality to this challenge. He said (and I hope I get this right) he feels inspired by the messages of the past 2 weeks, but then he still has to go out and earn money tomorrow. He still has to pay his bills. How do you continue to live/survive, and yet keep these commissions alive? I agree with my friend. It’s hard to live faithfully to this message—to live as Jesus wants us to live. At the same time, however, we don’t need to go all the way to Calcutta, India (as Shane did) to serve. I don’t think we should feel frustrated if we can’t live amongst the homeless or stare down crime and poverty in North Minneapolis on a daily basis. I think most of us are called to perform much smaller, yet equally significant acts of love and kingdom-bringing.

There are plenty of people within our community that we can serve. That I can serve. Perhaps it means volunteering at a nursing home (something I’ve done and have admittedly slacked on the past 4 months. . . I have to practice what I preach). Perhaps it means writing letters to our congressional leaders to address the issues of poverty and homelessness in our city (Efrem talked about some of the evils in our world being rooted in poverty—an issue I about which am being increasingly aware and concerned). Perhaps it means offering to help out at our church each week. Perhaps it’s sponsoring a child through World Vision or another organization. Maybe it’s just getting out and loving our neighbors (the ones who are too loud), our coworkers or classmates (the ones who never seem to have a smile), and our waitresses or waiters (especially the one who is too slow or grumpy). And when I say our, I mean mine. I have a long way to go in doing these small but meaningful acts of love.

I am simultaneously excited and anxious about this challenge. It calls me to continue working with teenagers on Monday nights, even though there are nights I just don’t want to go (see my July 25th blog). It calls me to become more involved with my own church. It calls me to quit feeling badly about people living in poverty, and to get off my butt and do something. What is that? Letter writing? More work in North Minneapolis? I don’t know. But I think Jesus wants me to get out of my comfort zone. Then, like Efrem Smith said, Jesus will shake up my world. He will change everything. I have a feeling he’s right. And I can’t wait.

Big changes

2005-07-27T13:45:00.000-05:00

Seems like I have a prayer list several miles long. So many people I care about are going through major trials in their lives, whether it's their physical or emotional health, job stability, relationship struggles, moving to far-away places, new babies, you name it.

It makes me a little sad and a little stressed out that all these people are in places where they need prayer. At the same time, however, it feels like an honor to be part of the experience by praying. Maybe that's selfish. No, maybe not. It's about relationships for me. Being in a relationship with another person and with God. That's a remarkable feeling.

God is consistent, even when I don't notice Him

2005-07-25T23:11:00.000-05:00

Been a long time since I've written. I'm glad God is more consistent than I am. I've been praying a lot more in the last few weeks. I don' t know if that's because my life has slowed its pace, or because I've needed God more. Probably both. But He's been very present, in my life and in others.

I got to connect with a few people at church last night who each spoke (separately, by the way) about how God was putting people and places on their heart, and for a while they didn't know why they felt the need to pray for these people or places, but they did. And sure as sugar, the answers came. God knows what he's doing . . . Without their knowing it, He was calling both of these friends to His service. How fabulous is that? It makes me want to be more aware of what it is He wants me to do. Which brings me to ponder just that. What does He want me to do.

For a while I've been wanting to stop volunteering with a group of teenagers at a church on Monday nights. Some Monday nights I would rather sit at home. Or sit and read at a coffee shop. Some Mondays I'd honestly rather grade essays than go (which sounds insane to me right now!).

On my way there tonight, I drove through a rainstorm that was flooding the streets. I found myself worrying about my little Honda and whether or not she'd make it through. Whether or not I'd do any damage to her. I imagined that no kids would show up tonight because they all walked to the church anyway, and with all this rain, surely they'd rather be at home.

Then I saw something that made me brighten my attitude. A father and his child--who couldn't have been more than 3 years old--were out splashing in puddles. Dad was holding the umbrella in the sheets of rain, holding his child's hand. The little kid had knee-high yellow galoshes, white shorts, a yellow rain jacket and a yellow rain cap. It was about the cutest darn thing I've seen in months. The rain was FUN! Of course it was fun! How could it not be?

So I decided to have a positive attitude about the whole evening. I pulled up to the church, and sure as sugar there were kids running inside, soaking wet. And the first teenager I saw was one young lady I haven't seen in months. She immediately came over and gave me a big hug. I was hooked. I'm not going anywhere.

God's timing is great. I needed to have a good night at teen group. I needed to see that Dad and child stomping in puddles. I needed to hear from my friends that God was working in their lives in ways that surprised them. I'm glad I'm seeing more of my beloved Lord lately. I'd been missing Him a lot. I know He was there the whole time, but I think I had forgotten to look.

what I want my pictures to say

2005-06-14T23:53:00.000-05:00

I'm cleaning out my desk, my closets, and my buffet (which was surely once quite beautiful, but now the wood is all dried out). I bet I threw out 1000 pictures today. Some guy will toss them all into the garbage truck tomorrow morning.

As I sorted through over 10 years of photographs, placing only a few into photo albums, I wondered what people would (or will) say if and when they ever look through these albums.

Of course they'll see that I loved to travel. Scotland, England, Japan, Italy (doesn't seem like so much now that I've typed it -- only four countries; maybe going more than once to each country counts for something).

I have a whole album just for family. Nuclear and extended.

Then there's all the random friends photos. I don't even know how to organize them anymore. Thankfully, many of them overlap. Friends from high school mingle in pictures with friends from college, grad school, and work.

It's good to look back at people I've forgotten about. A few boys I'd forgotten about. Well, I hadn't forgotten about them, really, but I'd forgotten about the tug they could create in my heart. I'm glad I'd forgotten about that.

All of the pictures are a reflection of the life I've had so far. It looks fun. I look happy. It doesn't even matter so much where all the photos are taken--just that they were. Someone (me) cared enough about the people in them to take the pix and then hang onto them for way too many years. I don't care if my offspring know any of the people in the pix. I just hope they see all of me. That probably sounds selfish, but I don't mind. I think all of us truly want to be known.

I recently saw a picture of my grandmother when she was around 20 years old. She's 96 now. In the picture, she's sitting next to my grandpa on the bumper of an old pick-up truck. She looks beautiful, strong. My grandpa looks tan, healthy. They look so comfortable together. No kids yet. I love that picture because it's unlike all the other pictures I've seen of my grandma. There's no house, no little girls running around, nobody on her lap, no apron. Just she and my grandpa sitting on the car. They look like they can do anything, and they did, as a matter of fact (that's another blog, though).

I want my pictures to tell my story. But then I realize I am selecting the pictures. Will they all show the same face? The smiling face that most people already know? I guess that's not the entire me. Hmmm. More thoughts to ponder. But it's too late now to bring it to a tidy conclusion.

Here we go again

2005-05-22T23:11:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been out of blog mode for a while now. A month I think. Not that I haven't had anything to say, but I just haven't really made the time. And I realize that I've missed it. I miss being part of the blogging community, even though I've been reading other people's blogs from the UR community regularly.

Summer is almost here, which means I'll be done grading essays and planning lessons for a while. I hope to have more time to think. And time to play, of course.

I'm just really thankful for my friends in my faith community. How did I get so lucky? I know some really cool, wonderful, talented people. And they all love the Lord.

God rocks.

More later. . .

Longing

2005-04-28T21:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I listened to this past Sunday’s Upper Room service online. I enjoyed hearing Kurt talk about this experiment we’ve all been doing, and how he has seen people blogging about living in the Rainbow Days, Partly Cloudy Days, and Rainy Days with God.

In his sermon Kurt said he’s seen God everywhere the past few days; he’s been in the rainbow days. That made my heart hurt a little bit. Is it possible to feel envious of someone else’s closeness to/awareness of God? I didn’t even know I was feeling distant from God, especially after such a great Sunday night myself. But that tug of longing for God made me realize I’m in a partly-cloudy day phase. You’d think that’d be better than a rainy day. Is it normal to have these up and down days in my spiritual life? I know the answer is yes. I might even feel better if they were dramatic changes. But I didn’t even notice, it’s been so gradual.

I haven’t asked God to surprise me for at least a week now. I always forgot to say the prayer, and then I just decided it was okay to do this my own way. But now I find I don’t think about Him or think about looking for Him like I did 2 weeks ago when we started this experiment.

I want to start seeing God again in the little things. I want to resume my closeness with Him through more prayer. I want to stop being distracted. I want to have those Rainbow Days. Shoot—I’d even settle for Rainy Days if it meant I felt some passionate emotion.

Holding On Part II

2005-04-27T00:29:00.000-05:00

(Be sure to read the much shorter Part I first!)

On Sunday night I was in Seattle for the U2 concert. Now, I’ve been listening to U2 for 20+ years, so seeing them in concert (for the 4th time only) is somewhat like a religious experience for me. And that’s no joke. I think this time—like the first time I saw them—had a great spiritual impact. Their last 2 songs of the night were prayers. The first was “Yahweh.” Never at a rock concert have I seen so many people, musicians included, praying.

Take these hands, Teach them what to carry
Take these hands, Don’t make a fist
Take this mouth, So quick to criticise
Take this mouth, Give it a kiss
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahewh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Bono had his eyes closed. The woman in front of me had her palms held upward as she swayed back and forth. Hands were up in the air. Even mine, something I never feel comfortable doing in church. After “Yahweh,” they closed the performance with the same song they closed with 20 years ago, the first time I saw them. It’s a song called “40,” from Psalm 40. The audience always knows to sing along.

I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit, Out of the miry clay.
I will sing, sing a new song. I will sing, sing a new song.
How long to sing this song?

One by one, the entire band left the stage, while Larry (remember the hot drummer with the bad hair?) played the drums. No music. Just 20,000 people singing that last line over and over, and Larry playing the drums. Then the drumming stopped, the lights came up, and people stopped singing, eventually filing out into a hard rain. A group of 50 strangers strolled to a Mexican restaurant 3 blocks from Key Arena. When we walked in, I heard U2. The owner of the restaurant was no dummy: he had a U2 video concert playing on the big screen. And then the karaoke started. All U2 tunes. The whole restaurant started singing. We sounded horrible, but it was beautiful. Just a bunch of U2 fans still savoring the emotions of the concert. One of the strangers sitting near us at the restaurant said the concert felt like a religious experience. My friend Sara and I nodded our heads.

The next day Sara and I had lots of down time at the airport, so we ran through some of our favorite moments from the show, things we didn’t want to forget. We listened to the voice mail she’d sent to herself during the show (gotta love cell phones). Today at school I had U2 in my head. Listened to them on the way home. I’m trying to keep those images and sounds fresh.

So what do these 2 events have in common? Why am I writing about this on my blog? When something powerful happens, I want other people to share it with me. I want friends to whom I can say, “Remember how sick we got of eating the same dang food every day in El Salvador? What were those green vegetables, anyway?” I want someone to whom I can say, “Remember how cool it was to see the entire arena bouncing and singing – almost louder than Bono? Remember how that guy 3 rows back was jamming to his air guitar through the entire concert?”

This community is powerful. I’ve learned that over the course of this experiment. It makes me want to pay greater attention to details. To learn more about people. To feel part of a community of people who share themselves—even when sharing is difficult. And I don’t want it all to just end when the 30 days are up.

That’s it! I honestly didn’t know what connected these events until I just typed that sentence. El Salvador, U2, this blogging thing. They might have an official ending point. The music stops, the plane lands, whatever. But I don’t think that means I have to say goodbye to it. I still have the pictures, and the friends. The songs are still there. I can listen to Bono again tomorrow.

As for this blog. . .

Holding On Part I

2005-04-27T00:27:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of those incredible experiences that just didn’t last long enough? The kind of experience that impacts you—and a number of the people with you—to the point that you try to extend the experience into the “real world”? I’ve had two of those in the past 9 months. One lasted only 2 hours on Sunday night, the other was over a period of 9 days last August.

Let’s start with August. I was in El Salvador with the Upper Room crew. I fell in love with 50 people from my church. I didn’t think that kind of love could happen. I had always thought there were conditions to feeling that kind of love: that it looked or sounded a certain way. But this was just a simple, laughing, digging-in-the-dirt, dancing, praying kind of love. I don’t know how else to describe it. The day after I got back from El Salvador, I met 2 UR friends for coffee, then decided to meet up with about 8 other girls from the trip for margaritas by the lake. Then I think the next night a bunch of people got together to barbecue. We just hadn’t had enough of each other. I went through a period of withdrawal after not being able to see people every day. It was hard to go back to work. Thankfully, my relationships with people didn’t end with the trip. But if I’m honest with myself, part of me would love to relive that week, just as it was. What can I say? I’m nostalgic.

U2

2005-04-22T11:32:00.000-05:00

OK. I'm excited. I'm going to Seattle today with my dear friend, the same friend who--20 years ago--I saw U2 with for the very first time. And on Sunday we'll see them play again.

I can't wait. I'm excited to see the show; I'm excited to hear my favorite tunes, both old and new; I'm excited to see how they incorporate their faith into the show. U2 has always sung songs about God. On every album they have at least one song about Him. Larry Mullen (the hot drummer--minus his somewhat long and greasy hairstyle right now) once said Jesus was his greatest hero.

And, let’s face it: Bono is really frickin’ cool.

I’m glad my friend will be with me. We’re staying with my brother, and he’s not always the easiest guy to hang out with. A few years ago we had a big blowout while I was visiting him. I left with the realization that I didn’t really like a few things about my brother. That was hard. I love him, but there are things about him that I can’t stand. I don’t think we’ll have arguments this time. I think we now know there are some issues we just don’t discuss.

But, hey, I get to see U2.

what next?

2005-04-20T20:52:00.000-05:00

Maybe the biggest surprise of all in this 30-day prayer experiment so far has been learning about people. I feel scared, honored, sad, excited. And I thought this thing was going to be about God and me. I’m floored by people’s honesty, their vulnerability.

What will happen to all of our thoughts when the 30 days are up? Will people just close their blogs on May 4? Then what?

ethereal thoughts while driving

2005-04-19T21:18:00.000-05:00

I got to see the sun rise this morning. It was a brief and partial view of the sun, as the clouds were just coming in before the rain. But it was a huge, bright orange sunrise. I wondered as I was driving if anyone else was paying attention to it. I sometimes pay more attention to the sun and the moon than I do to the roads. Not a good idea, but I can't help it.

Several years ago I lived overseas. I loved knowing the moon I was seeing was the exact same moon my friends were going to see in a few hours. I even wrote it in a letter to a friend once, wondering if he had seen it, too. Of course the letter didn't reach him until several days after that one spectacular moon was gone. But still, there was something comforting in knowing that moon was shared by the people I loved most--the people on the other side of the world. At the same time it made me a little bit lonely, knowing that life was going on just fine without me. Knowing that people were doing things without me, things I wouldn’t know about. That’s a tough reality sometimes, especially when you’re in love.

But that moon and that sun—they come up every night, every morning. Even if we don’t notice. I hope I always notice.

beer, cigarettes, and the Holy Spirit

2005-04-18T17:00:00.000-05:00

The Holy Spirit is powerful. Man, is He powerful. Saturday night I was in this smoky bar in Duluth, celebrating a friend's upcoming nuptuals. Tim Mahoney was playing (didn't know he'd be there--never heard him before), and it was one of the last songs of the night. I couldn't even tell you what song he was singing, but it was quiet, and peaceful. Nobody spoke. All of a sudden I got this smile on my face. I swear I felt the Holy Spirit. He was in that bar with me. It felt like He was sitting on the bar stool next to me, smiling at me (maybe shaking his finger at me for smoking a cigarette, but smiling nonetheless).

That was a surprise. I didn’t expect to feel anything spiritual in that bar.

Now when I think about it, I have a hunch that it was God’s way of inviting me back into hanging out with Him. Last week was crazy, and I mentioned in earlier blogs that I felt distant from the Lord. Didn’t have a lot of time to write (obviously—since my last entry was nearly a week ago), didn’t feel like I was hearing God like I had the week before. I was crabby. I can’t say my mood has entirely changed, especially about work. But that moment in that bar the other night brought so much peace, and I am just continuing to pray that God will pull me nearer to Him. I’m trying really hard to seek Him out. I want desperately to feel closer to Him.

Don’t we always want to do that? Deep down, don’t people want to feel that closeness with the Lord? I don’t think I know anyone who feels they’re “close enough” to God. However, sometimes we don’t want to let God see us; those are two different things, though. But that’s another entry I don’t want to get into.

Another surprise for me last week: my faith in great teenagers was renewed. As a teacher who’s having a rough year, I look for reminders of why I teach. Last Thursday I had one. Not just one. About 4 solid hours worth of reminders. My school put on its first ever cultural heritage celebration, and the students on my diversity committee helped coordinate it. In fact, I wasn’t even nervous or panicked because two fabulous kids were running around with walkie-talkies, orchestrating the fashion show, the dances, and the music. It was HA-larious. Another funny, quirky kid was the emcee. Completely ad-libbed half of what he said. The kids who danced, the kids who prepared amazing food (from Ethiopia, Japan, France, Laos, Sweden, Norway) were so fired up to show off their skills, to express their cultural traditions. It was amazing to see these kids walk and speak and dance with such confidence—kids who usually feel disconnected from their school, who feel unimportant, who feel in the minority. These kids were empowered. And I got to witness it. God is good.
So now I will keep on praying. This week I want to feel reconnected. I want to remember that moment in the bar on Saturday night, and I want to remember those beautiful kids. Jesus would have been in those places, I think. I’m glad I got to be there.

The fever breaks

2005-04-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

Tuesday morning I broke from the 3-word prayer rule (again) and asked God to make something happen for me. I don't think I've ever been so bold in asking Him to DO something. But elements of my job were making me so angry that I felt like I was fighting against a serious enemy. And I couldn't continue fighting it. So finally I just told God, "I need something to happen. I need You to do something to help me. I cannot do this by myself any more."

And within 4 hours 2 big things happened. Don't want to get too specific on the worldwideweb, but 2 major issues were addressed; not entirely resolved, but there was a great release in the 1st confrontation and the 2nd conversation I had. It almost frightened me how quickly God worked. It almost frightened me how quickly God worked. Talk about a surprise.

And yet, as I type this, that old worry comes back that I'm reading into the events of Tuesday. How do I know that it wasn’t my own pushing that made those events happen? Did I force them to happen? Am I living out my will rather than God’s? I don’t know.

One thing I do know: I think I’m petering out of this experiment. I haven’t been good about saying the prayer this week, especially since Sunday when I figured out that I need to speak with God more than I did last week. I can’t just completely change my prayer life.

Right now, though, I’m too tired to say anything else.

Changing my own rules

2005-04-10T21:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I wrote that I was looking forward to going to church and singing. And some familar worship was just what I needed. It made me cry. Standing in the sanctuary tonight, singing "This is the air I breathe," I realized why I've felt disconnected and irritated the last few days. Some of the words to that song: "I'm desperate for you. I'm lost without you."

That was it. I have been talking with God less frequently than I did before I started this experiment.

I don't think the experiment was intended to make me quit praying, but I heard the direction to say a 3-word prayer to God each day, and I just quit doing all my normal prayer. I realized tonight that I hadn't prayed for my friend in El Salvador for almost a week. I haven't prayed for my grandma. I haven't prayed for God to help me stay calm when I begin feeling angry.

I've been out of sync with my normal prayer life the last week--all in the name of this experiment. And that Terry guy never told us to do that. I just designed my own rules. So now I need to get back to talking to the Lord more. I didn't realize how much I talked to Him.

It's good to listen to Him, and the past week I tried so hard to listen to Him, and to see what He wanted me to see that I quit talking to Him, as if I could distract Him from surprising me.

This has only been one week in a one month experiment, and like most people doing this, I'm only now starting to figure it out. I'm almost certain this won't be the only readjustment I make. All I know is I can't feel as separated from God as I have been the last few days. I don't think God will be mad at me if I break the rules this time.

Double blog

2005-04-09T16:38:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday. Warm. Breezy. And I'm crabby. Don't know what that means.

But I haven't written yesterday's blog. So here's the combo:

I got to work yesterday morning and had an e-mail from my friend in Japan. I lived there for a year in '94, and I made great friends with a family who lived next door, especially with the youngest daughter, Miharu, who was a few years younger than me. They were my family--still are, really. I hadn't heard from Miharu in about 6 months, and I had just thought of her the day before I got her e-mail. It was a lovely surprise. Don't know if it was from God or what.

You'd think weekends would be better for this experiment, wouldn't you? That maybe sleeping in a little and not being on a regular schedule would allow me to feel more in touch with God. More able to be patient and wait. But I feel even more disconnected today than I did yesterday. As a blogger who is part of a larger community of bloggers, I feel some sense of responsibility to write something meaningful. But I don't really have anything to say today. And if I forced myself to make something up, it would just be a load of bs. So I'll stop for now.

Except. . . the one good thing about today: I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Looking forward to going to church and singing.

An opportunity

2005-04-07T20:25:00.000-05:00

Today started with another fun, small surprise that gave way to an opportunity.

I walked into work this morning and there was a Byerly's bag with my name on it. Inside was a chocolate-covered donut. It was from my coworker and friend, Mary. She knew I'd been having a hard week with students so she brought me the donut to cheer me up. I was so excited, and not just by the donut. I told Mary about this Surprise Me experiment, and how it seemed so funny that two of my surprises from God this week have been snacks! We had a laugh and a hug.

Mary has always known that I go to church, but I've never really talked with her about prayer, or about my daily spiritual life. As I went on with my day I felt like I had been given an opportunity to briefly share a little more about my walk. The other great part of the surprise was finding a show of support when I least expected it. Both aspects of the surprise--giving and receiving--were a huge blessing in my day.

Driving home I noticed that I was driving slower than everyone else. Actually, I've noticed that the last couple of days. I've been less focused on getting somewhere, and more focused on going somewhere. A few months back at the Upper Room somebody (sorry I can't remember who) spoke about taking advantage of the times when you're stuck in traffic to talk to God. To let Him do His will. And this week I've been doing a better job at that--at least in the car. I've been thinking about the title of this blog and it's kind of cool how I'm seeing the metaphor work this week. It's about the journey, not the destination (ugh, a terrible cliche but I'm using it anyway).

So it seems the donut and the driving have something in common: I think the Lord is giving me the opportunity to think about Him more, to find Him in what could be the insignificant or even the unpleasant parts of my life.

I'll just keep listening.

Distracted

2005-04-06T20:58:00.000-05:00

Today it was hard for me to stay focused on listening for/to God. My drive to school gave me time to focus on Him through music, but once I got there, teaching, fatigue, and difficult students took over. I didn't even think about being surprised by God until I got in my car 8.5 hours later. I know there'll be days like this. I guess I should be thankful for my commute. Huh. Now that's funny.

I think I'll close for now. Too tired and nothing really interesting thing to say.

By the way, is this blogging thing weird or is it just me? I write this stuff and maybe people read it. It just floats around in cyberspace. Weird. Plus, I think I spend more time figuring out which color font to use than I do in my writing. Hello, priorities!!!!

Free stuff! Surprise from God or random luck?

2005-04-05T21:46:00.000-05:00

This daily blogging is tough, to be honest. I'm trying to make sure I focus on God in this 30-day experiment rather than on what cool stuff I'm going to write about in my blog. It's hard. My own self threatens to interrupt a true, spiritual experience. So I'm going to try to keep it in check.

My confession being said, today the only recognizable surprise I got was when I went to Starbucks before work. Lo and behold, they were giving away free snacks! An entire package of about a dozen little cookies. Go figure! Was it God? Or was it just that I was one of the first people in the place this morning, and they were getting rid of old stuff to make way for the new stuff?

Answered prayers and gunshots

2005-04-04T23:44:00.000-05:00

Well, He did it. He surprised me. I went the whole day wondering how (or if) God would surprise me today, day 2 of this spiritual event. It was an uneventful day with my students, and then I went to a rough neighborhood in north Minneapolis, like I do every Monday to hang out with teens. I wasn't looking forward to it because last Monday was utter chaos.

But tonight a 16 year-old young man who I've known for 3 years told me he just got his first job. This is a kid I have worried about. He had become insecure and hard to talk to over the last year and a half. I hadn't seen him in about 3 weeks. I was worried about him retreating into himself, or worse, disappearing into the streets.

So tonight when I saw him, he looked healthy, more vibrant, and I told him so. He said, "Well, that's what a job will do for you." And then he told me he was working for a local Christian organization. I had to give him a big hug. (This organization hires kids, but it also teaches them job skills, life skills, and it also has a weekly Bible study.) It was the brightest moment of my day. He was so proud to tell people he had gotten a job. And I'm so glad it's with an organization that will fill his spirit, not just his pocket.

Then, an hour later we were cooking dinner in the church basement, and some of the kids had come in from outside where they had been playing basketball. They said a bunch of gun shots had gone off just half a block away. Half a block away. The same house had been a target of gunshots a few days ago. And if rumors are true, the target of the gunshots is the brother of one of our greatest kids. North Minneapolis is no stranger to this kind of violence. But it's never been as close to these kids as it was tonight.

Here's one young man who's just getting his first great opportunity for growth, and less than 100 yards away someone else is getting shot at. My young friend was going to walk home tonight because it was so warm, but after he heard about the gunshots he said to me, "I think I'll take a ride home tonight."

Two very different surprises tonight. Hope and danger in the same neighborhood.

Day 1 of the "Surprise me, God" experiment

2005-04-04T11:33:00.000-05:00

Spring arrived yesterday, Sunday April 3 in Minneapolis. At least it finally felt like it was truly spring. Running around Lake of the Isles, I was thinking about this new experiment I have in front of me.

Here is the experiment: pray a 3-word prayer to God every day for 30 days, and then write about each day. The prayer? Surprise me, God.

So on the first day of the experiment, here’s what sticks with me:

As I rounded one of the corners of the lake (and truth be told I was walking that stretch of lake), I saw at least 15 or 20 people walking right in front of me, all going the same direction.

I felt like I was part of a pilgrimage. No kidding. I thought about Geoffrey Chaucer’s 12th century story about all these crazy characters making a pilgrimage to Canterbury, England, right around Easter, to visit Canterbury Cathedral and pray to Thomas a Becket for healing.
It seemed like a strange comparison, but it was the first thing I thought of, so I decided not to
ignore it.

I felt like God wanted me to see something—wanted me to see Him in my human activity. And so I started thinking about how everyone walking around in the beautiful weather yesterday is also probably on some sort of pilgrimage; everyone searches for something, right? Are they searching for God, like me? And why is it that everyone (including me) loves the journey when it’s sunny and 65˚? But not so much when it’s below freezing?

I found myself becoming judgmental as I walked (and then ran) around the lake. I found myself thinking, “Huh. All you people come out here when it gets nice out. Where are you the rest of the year?” But then I caught myself. I’m one of those people. I do the exact same thing. I live two blocks from the lake but how often do I really get out here?

Maybe faith is the same way. My faith journey is much easier when the sun is shining on me, when I feel strong, when I feel loved by people, and when I feel I’m able to love myself. I love being a follower of Jesus then. But boy, sometimes things aren’t so lovely. I feel angry, and unloved, and I can’t stand myself. And then it’s really hard to be excited about following God, about trying to do His will.

But even then, God is there. No, especially then. Right now is one of the warm, bright seasons in my faith. But it wasn’t so long ago that it was a darker, colder season. And I didn’t know it, but God was right there with me. I didn’t know it until just recently. Didn’t let myself know it. Because I thought it was so bad, there was no way the Lord would have been there with me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was never closer. I just didn’t see Him because I was looking too hard at myself.

Actually, it’s a great way to begin this exercise. I need to look more to Him. I need to listen for Him. It will take some of the focus away from me and what I want for myself. It’s going to be a challenge, but I’m excited about it.

I guess I don’t know what all this has to do with being surprised. But God has got me thinking, and looking.