musings. . . not a pity party

I wonder if, by still being single at age 37, God is letting me know that I should just get used to it. Maybe he’s telling me, “Get a dog (NOT CATS) and grab your afghan (knit one if you can), and settle in.” I’m trying to accept that this really might be God’s reality for me. Maybe I’m just not cut out for marriage and God keeps trying to tell me that. Maybe He figures that if I have enough failures I’ll give up. Now, I don’t think it’s because I’m a bad person. I have lots of friends. I’m a hell of an aunt. Kids love me, and I love them. But I really wonder if God has some other purpose for me than marriage and motherhood. I wonder if He wants me to move to Africa. Or just stay a devoted teacher to my suburban kids. You know, no distractions.

So in light of this tentative epiphany (if there is such a thing) I am trying to do what I’ve heard other people talk about, and that is to make Jesus my lover. It always sounds weird to say that, or think about it, because it has such an awkward connotation. But I want to love Jesus more. I want to make Him my hope, the person I want to please every day. I want to not be bitter about the possibility that I’m not meant to be married. I want to be excited about making Jesus the center of my life. I know he’s already supposed to be, but I’m not always good about that.

For example, one of the things I always struggle with after a really good night of worship is how to keep the same feeling until the following week. And not just to feel good, but how do I stay focused on Christ while at work, in my car, in the mall, at the coffee shop, etc? So I wonder. . .If I wore a ring (like nuns do) that reminded me of the one true love in my life, would that help?

I’m not feeling badly for myself. Not yet any way. I know I’m not alone in wondering about this. But as 40 is not far off, and as I’ve had more than my share of mismatches, mismanaged relationships (that’s an understatement), and mistakes, it may be time to see this singledom as a very strong possibility. I’m really thinking about getting that Jesus ring. Thank God Jane Austen isn’t telling my story. I’d have that cat and the afghan, glasses, a bun, and young friends stopping by for tea out of charity. Ugh.

Miscellaneous

It's late. Tomorrow is a very long day, but I'm just getting home from church and I need to unload a few thoughts before I can sleep.

Thinking still about Africa. I keep seeing my friends who live in Zambia. Of course I haven't actually seen them, but I think I see them every once in a while, mostly at church. Maybe that's God's way of keeping us connected. I certainly think about them a lot, so I'm thankful that I have these brief glimpses of them.

I'm also still consumed by the desire to be physically connected to Africa. I don't know what it will look like, nor do I know if it will happen. I need to pray that God will shed some light on my desire-- to make sure that it's about what he wants, and not just a selfish need to have some kind of adventure. I have been sensing my restlessness lately, and have been looking at teaching overseas. Not seriously looking, but checking out one-year teaching exchanges and just generally imagining a new setting for my life. So I want to be able to distinguish all these desires from one another, and have some clarity.

That's all for now.

Bursting

My heart feels like it’s going to burst. And if it did burst, I don’t know what would come out. My life, my friends’ lives, the situation in the world. . . it’s all messing with me.

Part of me hopes it’s just PMS because then I know this wave of emotion will pass. But part of me hopes it doesn’t, because most people aren’t lucky enough to just wait for emotions to subside.

My friends and members of my church are going to El Salvador, Africa, and Philadelphia to serve and love people. They will come face to face with their sponsor kids, face to face with people suffering hardships I can’t imagine. Why is that a gift? I don’t know, but it is. Now I’ve got myself wondering. . . why is it a gift to be witness to poverty and war and crime? Is it a gift? Truly, I want to know what you think.

I do feel it’s a gift but I don’t know if I can put into words why it feels that way. Is it because it makes us feel like true members of the human race? Is it because it minimizes our own suffering? Is it because we get to see joy where we least expect to find it?

There’s just too much to say tonight, especially after praying for friends traveling abroad, praying for the filmmaker of Invisible Children, and praying for peace in the Middle East and in Africa. But in spite of, or more likely because of all the aches in my heart, I need to write. I feel like big things are happening around me. I guess I should be glad I feel something as these things happen.

The worst night of sleep I’ve ever had.

Last night I think I woke up every 20 minutes, especially between 2am and 4:30am. I felt like absolute crap this morning.

My dad called me yesterday afternoon to tell me his younger brother died. This is the second brother he has lost in 6 months. Fortunately, both of them died in their sleep. But now he is the last surviving member of his immediate family. He lost another brother over 25 years ago. Both his parents died before reaching 75. My dad is 68. I’m afraid of losing him. The thing that makes all of us angry about losing Carroll is that he suffered 2 heart attacks in the last 10-15 years or so, and his wife has continued to chain smoke inside the house and inside the car all this time.

But I don’t think it’s just my uncle’s death that made me sleep so poorly last night. I think it came from my anger with one of my own brothers. My dad had asked my oldest brother, Erik, to call my younger brother, Matt, to tell him about our uncle’s death. Six hours later, Erik made the call. Six hours. Matt was furious. So now we’re all wondering why in the hell Erik waited so long to call his own brother to give him such important news. What would cause such a delay? Apathy? The need to process to sadness himself (although it’s not like we saw this uncle very often)? Is he trying to piss off the family? I truly do not understand his thinking.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Erik is notorious for not returning Matt’s phone calls. They both live in the same city, thousands of miles away from the rest of our family. I don’t understand why he doesn’t stay more connected. Is it intentional or does he just not think about it?

Now the question is how to move past (or through) the anger to get to the grieving. And to get to forgiveness. I need to focus on what is truly important, and that is in supporting my dad, my aunt, and my cousins. I need to take a lesson from Jesus on this one. What does He say about how to show Grace when you’re just really pissed off?

Midnight Moon

I see you sighing
Winter moon, heavy with light
Holding close to Earth

I needed something to write about. My friend had this list, and it sounded like a cool and relatively easy form of inspiration. So here goes. . .

My list of Four Things.

Four Places I’ve lived
(From least to most recent)
1. Oiwake, Japan
2. my parents’ basement
3. Uptown, Minneapolis
4. my new little house in Bloomington

Four Places I’d Rather Be
1. Siena, Italy—right on the town square having a cappuccino
2. on a beach with a magazine
3. at a nice restaurant with friends
4. on a date with someone I’m crazy about (or the hottie from Dear Frankie)

Four Jobs I’ve had
1. Conversational English teacher for Japanese students
2. salad bar girl at Wendy’s Hamburgers
3. waitress (a bad one) at a poorly run Italian restaurant in Bloomington
4. secretary at a car dealership

Four Movies I can watch over and over
1. Pride and Prejudice (BBC version with Colin Firth)
2. The Sound of Music (I know. . . )
3. The 15-minute Hamlet
4. Sixteen Candles

Four TV Shows I Love
1. Lost
2. Grey’s Anatomy
3. ER
4. CBS News Sunday

Four Places I’ve Vacationed
1. Italy
2. Scotland
3. Canadian Rockies
4. Hawaii

Four of My Favorite Dishes
1. my mom’s lasagna
2. my mom’s beef stroganoff
3. Sawatdee’s pad see yew with tofu (pad thai with broccoli)
4. a really yummy grilled burger with all the fixins

Four Sites I visit daily
My friends’ blogs. Am I supposed to list them here?
1. http://blog.blogneato.com/
2. http://urperipheral.blogspot.com/
3. http://www.swan-spot.blogspot.com/
4. http://www.nototherwise.com/

First entry of the year

Although my head is filled with many things these days, here's the only thing that really seems interesting enough to pass on to cyberspace:

My 64 year-old mother e-mailed me yesterday. Here's what she said:

"Don't get bummed out, but I looked at the website match.com to see how it's set up. I'd heard about it and I know you don't have a lot of time. Anyway, you can "join" for 1, 2 or 3 months - but you can put in your particulars and check out who comes up. If anyone looks interesting you can join. Anyway, it doesn't look to complicated so might be worth it if you're interested."

Huh.